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• Interpersonal Conflict: 
  Dangers and Solutions
  © 1998
  by  Trula Michaels LaCalle, Ph.D.
  
  Bella International, Inc.
  Sonoma and Sacramento Counties, California
  
  (888) 522-2553
  
  
  "He’s done it to me again! He’s deliberately ignored what I told him and done as he pleased. He makes my blood boil! What are you going to do about this guy? Whatever you do, it had better be soon or else I’m out of here."
  
  Employee conflicts are a headache. The interpersonal tension overrides your best efforts to maintain a collegial work atmosphere. Your greatest successes and brightest moments can be darkened by emotionally demanding confrontations among workers. You ask yourself, "Why can’t we simply work together peacefully?" The angry episode reminds you how much easier it is to manage the technical needs of your business than the interpersonal needs of your employees. 
  
  Tense situations are most difficult when no employee is clearly "right" or "wrong." Most often, all involved parties have a legitimate point of view. Most of the time, they have intended to do the right thing, according to that point of view. Usually, all sides have made an error, committed an offense, or contributed to the problem in some way. Addressing the multiple elements of the issue takes time. Meanwhile productivity decreases and employees may lose sight of more important company goals.
  
  Putting a lid on the conflict doesn’t help for long. You many experience immediate relief by not having to listen to complaints, but you create bigger problems down the road. When conflicts go underground, resentment and hostility continue to build. 
  
  An underground conflict can be expressed in absenteeism, tardiness, sabotage, "accidents", thefts, vandalism, lack of cooperation, and low morale. Usually, underground conflicts strengthen and reappear as employee resignations or terminations, vocal coalitions among groups of workers, threats, verbal combativeness and verbal insults, and, in the worse case scenarios, arson and assaults. 
  
  Try getting them to sit down and work it out between them. When each person is willing to take responsibility for his/her behavior and admit having made mistakes, these conflict resolution talks can be successful. If they recognize that no one will be happy until each is willing to be cooperative and is eager to find a resolution, you’re halfway to solving the problem. At this point, consider taking the following steps: 
  
  
• Set the stage by talking about the need for cooperation and your desire to find a "win-win" solution. 
  
  
• Lay the ground rules for discussion such as "no blaming," "no interrupting", "no loud talk", etc. 
  
  
• Ask each one to state his/her perceptions of what happened and his/her position on the issues. Direct the other party to listen as objectively as possible while attempting to understand his/her perspective. 
  
  
• Clarify the important points and ask each one to refrain from introducing irrelevant information. 
  
  
• Define individual needs. 
  
  
• Determine shared needs. 
  
  
• Review shared goals and discuss the future in positive terms. 
  
  
• Seek solutions and options that have mutual benefit. 
  
  
• Develop a mutual action plan. 
  
  
• Schedule a time or times when progress on the action plan will be reviewed. 
  
  
  
  
  The above steps are vital to improving communication and reaching agreement between people who are interested in putting the problem behind them. But what about employees who are more interested in proving their point than they are in settling the
  matter? How can you get them to move forward and think of the future instead of arguing about things that have already occurred
  and cannot be changed?
  
  First, recognize that, when we are angry, we need to cool down before we are ready to talk. Sometimes we need to do a lot of thinking before we have thoroughly prepared ourselves to be able to discuss a problem effectively. If we are rushed into the mediation or resolution process before we are emotionally and mentally ready, we are not likely to participate cooperatively with an open mind. Instead, we are ready for battle at the slightest hint of disagreement.
  
  Before you suggest a meeting among parties engaged in the conflict, discover whether or not the timing is right. Do you need to be patient and wait awhile, allowing the individuals time to think through some issues more carefully before they begin to talk to each other?
  
  How can you prepare employees to participate in a successful conflict resolution meeting? The answer is not a simple one. Individual differences dictate how you must approach each employee. Often, the task is so complex that you must call in an outside consultant to help you gain the necessary insights and methods to be successful with an especially difficult individual or group. 
  
  You may feel you do not have the listening skills or the psychological know-how to interact with an employee in this way. If the employees are from another culture, you may have a particularly hard time understanding or respecting their points of view. In addition, the employee or group may fear negative consequences if they speak freely with you or someone else within the company. If you can overcome these factors, here are some general suggestions to consider when you find yourself in the
  challenging role of mediator: 
  
  
• Listen carefully to what the employee is telling you. Give the person a chance to talk at length, so he/she can feel thoroughly heard and understood. 
  
  
• Ask questions and clarify any points you may have partially comprehended. Let the employee know that your chief concern is to thoroughly understand . 
  
  
• Try not to judge. Keep an open attitude. 
  
  
• Stay in control of your emotions. Do not let yourself be provoked into a defensive or offensive posture or reaction. 
  
  
• Present yourself in a calm and supportive manner. Think of yourself as a coach. 
  
  
• Determine what motivates this employee and how his or her needs can be met. 
  
  
• Learn what this employee values most . Determine what personal values have or have not been respected in the situation at hand. Be alert for cultural differences which may not have been considered. 
  
  
• Find tactful ways to acknowledge the employee's feelings, especially if the employee is feeling wounded or fearful. 
  
  
• Ask the employee about his or her ideas for solving the problem. 
  
  
  When conflicts continue for an extended period of time, remain optimistic that the conflict can be resolved. Resolution often occurs in stages, some of which may seem unnecessarily prolonged to the outside observer, but are necessary to the parties involved in the discord.
  
  Keep in mind that each individual grows and changes at his/her own pace. Be encouraging. Give reminders about shared needs and goals. Listen for options which are realistic. Speak of their individual successes and how resolution will help them let go of burdensome resentments and achieve their personal goals. Advocate the benefits of compromise and negotiation. Talk about your vision of a harmonious future and your goal of getting everyone back to working in a friendly and relaxed environment. 
  
  

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  For conflict resolution facilitation, contact:

  Trula Michaels LaCalle, Ph.D.

  e-mail: lacalle@Bellaii.com
  (888) 522-2553
  fax: (707) 874-2136
  mail: P.O. Box 518, Sebastopol, Ca. 95472